heavy heavy heart

I dropped by Little R's viewing today during an extended lunch period. Totally clueless about Catholic funeral processions, I realize today's viewing is hosted at a mortuary, in a simple elegant room with the open casket.

Upon arrival, we sat with L and I was trying really hard to not cry. But I eventually did and it was messed up to have her comfort me a little instead of the other way round. We sat in silence because, really, what do you say in a situation like this? This is the time when being there is all that's needed.

When the rest of her family arrived, we left to return to work. But not before we went to the front of the casket to take one last look and say a goodbye prayer. Little R looks like a doll in her crisp white dress. This is also the first time I saw her in person as she has been staying at the hospital since her birth. It's so unreal. She look just like a baby, sleeping soundly in the 'bassinet' with us looking at her.

Tomorrow is the church mass and Sunday will be the burial which I realized L & J would love us to be there and so we will.

I really don't want to have to attend another baby's funeral.

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It's funny how I was so hung up with insecurities of work one second and then the grief was so strong that it swept away everything else that shouldn't have mattered.

When I got back to my desk, I suddenly developed some really bad allergies that made things worse. But I kinda had an epiphany about work. I wasn't insecure anymore. I forgot to mention that I actually went to the viewing with another colleague. And while in the car, we had a good revealing talk that reassured many questions in my head. He didn't have to tell me too much. The most important thing he made me realize is that everyday, I work hard and diligently, doing my best. If I am put in a situation where I cannot control the whirlwind around me, let it be. Right?